Sometimes I need to slow down and start looking

POSTED ON: Thursday, 28 November 2013 @ 07:46 | 0 comments

So as expected, field prac was a massive massive fail and it was my fault this time
no biggie. just a big mark down on my grades.
but this post isn't about sadness and emotional stuff
okay maybe emotional stuff

I'm not really sure, but I think today/tomorrow is thanksgiving over at america?
and I realised among all the sad days
there are still the silver linings around me to keep me breathing



I think I kinda know who are sending these sweet lovely messages to me
and I really thank them with all my heart <3
I know I've not been a good friend
for I don't believe I can handle giving my weak shoulders and horrible advice to people around me right now
but I just want to say

dear lovely friends,
even though I'm not doing anything
I do know what you are going through right now
this period of time might not be a good time for everybody
but do know that I still care, very much, for you
I don't know how I can help,
but you'll be in my prayers and I sincerely hope the monster of sadness will be lifted off of you
xoxo



-[chi ling]-

not getting well

POSTED ON: Wednesday, 27 November 2013 @ 09:44 | 0 comments

Everything doesn't seem to go according to my plans right now
nothing is going right
I feel so shitty and upset when I wake up everyday, especially these two weeks
maybe because it's a really busy two weeks
or maybe because I'm becoming a bad person for being so agitated with everything
I sincerely hope this ends soon and I'll feel better
it's not that I don't want to feel better
but I just don't know how to!
every little thing makes me cry and upset
and I can't seem to change my thoughts
and it's all so confusing and strange

Tomorrow is my Field Prac Supervision
I really really hope the children will be well behaved
I'll sleep soon, and wish for the best, and will try my best to be in the happiest spirit tomorrow so that my positivity will influence the children to play along with me
tomorrow and the day after my group and I will have to rush out 1 group project too
and I just remembered tomorrow i have to submit my reflections for FP and start observing my children for CDTP
oh god please
after two more weeks hopefully the huge pile of assignments will lessen,
and I'll have some time to sort out all my thoughts and get back on track with my studying and assignments

Atlas & Atlantic just had a 2 hour talk online to talk about a new project we're trying to work out on
Hopefully we'll get to carry on with that project, and all my friends will support us!
I feel so sorry for my girls because of my shittiness and stuff
I was actually doing project while discussing with the band, so I didn't chip in much ideas and thoughts
(I feel so bad right now I'm so sorry..)

okay this has been a depressing post
side note: still no news about HOT exco recuitment. I am still as nervous as ever. can they just break the news to us soon? :( //praying hard



-[chi ling]-
does your heart jump whenever you met me?
do you think of me once in a while?

today wasn't any better

POSTED ON: Wednesday, 20 November 2013 @ 04:35 | 0 comments

I didn't do much today
just went for attachment, and felt horrible and shitty bout it because my lesson plan failed miserably
it's so different to actually implement a lesson than to just plan it
sure I can plan 100 lesson plans
but I can't even implement a lesson plan
I had two lesson practices today and it was horrible
the first round I absolutely couldn't control the class, and the chaos made a girl cried
the second round half of the students got into a big argument that made the lesson unable to go on
(and I couldn't even tell them to sit in one corner to stop the fighting cause it was freaking half the class)
I felt so helpless
and to think next week is my field supervision!
I really don't want another C+
:'(

Was supposed to go for Korean Class after attachment
but I was feeling so upset with myself (and really at the edge of crying)
I couldn't bring myself to go to school
of course, I had a legit valid reason: my migraines came back
so I came back home to take a long rest
[I thought my migraines was getting better after Os, but apparently it's coming back. screw you migraines]

the only happy thing today was probably when Jia texted me
stupid girl texted me while I'm eating
and when I read the text I immediately started crying
idiot friend
what have I done right to deserve such a great friend?

okay I really need to get back to my assignments right now
"yeah it's all alright
I guess it's all alright
I've got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright"



side note: I feel so sorry for my band for being so busy these few weeks
:( sorry girls..
-[chi ling]-

Just crash, fall down

POSTED ON: Tuesday, 19 November 2013 @ 08:36 | 0 comments

Wait, where you say you've been?
Who you been with?
Where you say you're goin'?
Who you goin' with?
Keep me on my toes,
Keep me in the know.

Wait, keep me in your skin,
Keep me in your chest.
I'll wait for it to start,
I'll wait for it to end.
Keep me on my toes,
Keep me in the know.

But when I looked at her,
I thought of only you.
If only there was proof I could use to show it's true.

We were young,
We were in our teens.
It wasn't real love,
Spent behind bars.
Oh it's sad to think,
We just let it be.
Prisoners of love.

It's so easy for it to be,
Something second guessed.
Easy to read,
Don't let it become,
A meaningless routine.
It's meaningless to me.

But when I looked at her,
I thought of only you.
If only there was proof I could use to show it's true.

Just crash, fall down,
I'll wrap my arms around you now.
Just crash, it's our time now,
To make this work second time around.

We grew up,
We worked and changed our ways.
Just like wildfire,
Been burning now for days.
Tearing down those walls,
Nothing's in our way.
I said, nothing's in our way.

And I know,
I've said this all before,
But opposites attract.
We try and run away,
But end up running back.
And all I want to do,
All I want to do,
Is lie down and...

Crash, fall down.
I'll wrap my arms around you now.
Just crash, it's our time now,
To make this work, second time around.

Oh crash, fall down.
Just crash, fall down.
Just crash, fall down.
Just crash, fall down.


Does this song not make you want to cry your heart out?
Sorry for double posting today
you see.. I don't feel well
and only music and music only can heal this soul
-[chi ling]-

emotional but what can I do? i can only smile

POSTED ON: @ 08:20 | 0 comments

I'm hitting a low point again
I've been crying everyday for god knows what reason I don't even know
I can watch a show (perfectly fine I must add), and when the characters start crying, i'll literally start sobbing together with the characters
I can sit on the bus and listen to meaningful songs and suddenly I'll start tearing up
what is becoming of me?

I've actually googled why am I so emotional recently and apparently google said i'm "too stressed"
I guess that could be the reason?
assignments are piling up
but it isn't really a legit reason cause it is still a manageable amount
I can't lie
I'm really nervous for the HOT exco selection thingy
I think it's getting overboard I can't even comprehend why I want this so badly, or why I am so nervous for it!
why are there so many capable people around?
am I capable?
//drowns in existential crisis

Today was a happy and sad day
Happy cause of Red Camp, and I get to interact with many HOT friends and seniors (made new friends whoooowheee) [okayyyy it wasn't that many but still!]
Sad cause.. I don't even..
I feel so inferior
I've tried coming up with a good metaphor, but this is the best I could think of:
It's just like you're the Sun
having 8 planets orbiting around you
and all your attention and warmth get to the 8 planets
and what am I?
I'm like Pluto. Small. Unnoticeable.
I don't even dare to orbit around you in fear of being annoying or scarily creepy
I guess that's how Pluto feels
it feels too small and inferior to orbit around the all great mighty Sun
and when NASA announce that Pluto is no longer a country,
what can Pluto do, but to continue laying around space, and try to find another planet to talk to?
I'm being really melodramatic now aren't I

Recently I've been getting back to my sec 3 behaviour
which obviously isn't good
I keep consciously telling myself "hey you are good enough okay"
but somehow it doesn't get into my mind :(
I've unknowingly lost two pounds too
which I guess it's a bad thing considering I've not been doing any exercises
lesighpotato
it's alright Chi Ling
buck up!
hang in there!
everything will be alright soon!
everything will get well in the end. If it doesn't, it just means it isn't the end yet!

Listen to this song and remind yourself
that you are perfect to me
you are beautiful
and you are never to tell yourself that you're less than perfect



-[chi ling]-

You put a name to the love songs

POSTED ON: Monday, 11 November 2013 @ 07:49 | 0 comments

Oh hey it's 11th November!

This is just a small update on my life
nothing interesting really~
I'm now sitting beside my granny, blogging
I feel so fortunate to be able to just sit and rest beside granny
to watch some telly with her and talk to her <3

school has been quite good actually
I for once feel in control of what I'm learning right now,
and because of my 5 goals for this sem, I try not to procrastinate
meaning to say I'm in control of my assignments too!
I've went for HOT exco interview on Wednesday
and tbrh (to be really honest), I'm no less scared than I was before
i was so nervous during the interview (there was 4 seniors in the room :3 )
I think i stuttered a lot, and appeared so nervous that I probably screwed up my chance of getting into exco :(
fingers crossed fingers crossed fingers crOSSED PLEASE LET ME GET IN (please please please)

side note, I'm not coping with Korean class..
I am really not into Korean stuff (at all)
and it is affecting the level of interest and attention I've been putting in during class
[it has gotten to the point where whenever I hear/see korean stuff, my brain will be in this auto switch off mode]
I have no idea whether I should just give up now (and stop wasting my time and my parents' money)
or try till I crack under pressure
oh well we'll see how it goes

nothing much happened really
I'm surviving week after week of drastic emotional changes
and tbrh, I don't even know if this is normal
I've been crying a lot lately
(for no apparent reason)
other than crying a lot,
I've been laughing a lot too!
Mother even told me a couple of times, "you sure you don't wanna go check with a doctor or something? Are you feeling depressed? Out of the mood? Maybe you're in depression"
//dies laughing
I blame this emotional phase to the strange puberty hormones

but speaking of out of the mood,
I've indeed been really feeling empty and stuff
and I'm no longer as positive as I was before
many people keep telling me, "hey chiling I love to be with you cause you spread your positiveness to me"
and now I'm thinking
am I spreading too much positivity to other people, that I'm not keeping enough for myself?
it's like the spread of positive charges (or something)
once i've spread my positive charges to the negative people around me,
I get neutralised, which maybe explains why I feel empty?
HAHA okay now I'm just bullshitting.

This song is so nice. I can't really describe the feeling this song gives me, but I do feel happier whenever I listen to this song.
"Yeah after all this time, I'm still into you"
"Some things just makes sense and one of those is you and I"


okay time to go do work!
I've been spending quite a lot of time and effort on my resources for Language Arts
hope my effort pays off!
-[chi ling]-

I'm pretty sure we're meant to be
it just isn't the right time yet
right?

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you're my sunshine