May you rest in peace

POSTED ON: Saturday, 26 April 2014 @ 03:09 | 0 comments

Sorry guys, for not posting frequently anymore2
I have a few posts lined up, and today was supposed to be about camp assbutt
but I've received some really grave and sad news
and I don't think I can bring myself to post anything for now

my last grandaunt who had loved and doted me dearly has just passed away
although I only meet her once or twice per year, but nonetheless she always looked forward to seeing me every Chinese New Year
she's already 90, and recently she has been having some health problems
but the thing is, we all thought she was gonna get better
I left the hospital that day thinking that I would meet her again
I left that hospital that day without knowing that that will be the last goodbye she'll ever tell me
I may not be as close to her as I am to my close relatives
but to me, she is a very sweet grandaunt
she always loves it when I speak to her in teochew
when I hold her hand and talk to her
when I give her oranges, and watch the Chinese New Year shows with her
I'll miss you dearly, grandaunt

I feel so sad for my grandma now
she is the last one from her generation now..
one by one, everybody has gone away
and now she's left alone..
I must do whatever I can to accompany my grandma
she may not have any relatives from her generation anymore
but she still has her younger generation to take care of her, spend time with her, and look after her
I will put in much much much more efforts to love my grandma

Grandaunt, May you rest in peace
-[chi ling]-

I am actually really upset right now..
how can life be so unpredictable..
how

so done with this camp. I hate how I don't get how everything works.

POSTED ON: Monday, 21 April 2014 @ 03:43 | 0 comments

feeling so crappy right now

Center your life around principles

POSTED ON: Monday, 14 April 2014 @ 09:33 | 0 comments

After quite an emotional night yesterday,
I picked up this book from my shelf today, and flipped through it
This book is called A Guide For Teens: The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make
(that is a link. go click it and buy the book if you can! if not, you can borrow my book cause I have two copies of this book)

A picture of the introduction

Principles are like lighthouses. They're timeless, universal, and self-evident. You can't break principles; you can only break yourself against them, no matter who you are. 

Since principles can never fail us, they are the best possible things to center our lives on, By centering on principles, all the other important aspects of our lives - friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, school, and family - find their proper place. Ironically, putting principles first is the key to doing better in all these other areas.

sometimes in life we tend to do silly and stupid stuff, because we focus on something other than our principles
people might say "oh well, we're humans afterall, we are allowed to make mistakes"
but why allow yourself to make such mistakes if you know perfectly well that you can stop yourself from making the wrong decisions, right?

tbh I don't really know what is the point of this post
I just wanted to introduce this great book to you, I guess!

sidenote: eating carbs makes people really angry!
I've not eaten a full proper meal of rice for a really really really long time
so today, after I ate like half a bowl of rice, I could see the immediate difference
I became so angry (for nothing?????) and so frustrated at the littlest stuff
my parents stopped me from buying my own guitar, and I got so frustrated at them that I locked myself in the room??? (melodrama much? yes)
sidesidenote: I have the sweetest mentor awwww
so now you know, if you stopped eating carbs, then you return back to carbs, you'll get very agitated and angry!
(I don't know if there's prove for this though? I shall go research on it!)




I shall officially stop typing about him (in that way) as much as possible, because I know I appear to be really desperate and pathetic.
Sorry if I have shown my weak and pathetic side to y'all and made all of you annoyed by this clingy and silly girl

-[chi ling]-

A grave lesson learnt

POSTED ON: Sunday, 13 April 2014 @ 09:02 | 0 comments

知错能改，善莫大焉
that means, as long as you know that you are in the wrong, you will have the chance to improve
(I think..)

Ever since that night,
my conscience have been bugging me
it keeps telling me "you shouldn't have gotten away so easily. I shall make you feel so awful that you can't sleep, so that you will at least have this little punishment"

I never wanted to bring trouble to anyone
I will never want anyone to be in trouble
this is a grave matter, and I am 100% aware of the gravity of it
I'm just so so so sorry to bring trouble to anyone
and I'm just so apologetic to them
(for different reasons, but nonetheless still very apologetic)

sorry for being a bad influence
sorry for not thinking properly and doing such a stupid thing (without thinking of the consequence)
sorry for disappointing you and messing up
sorry for not being mature enough to stop everything before
sorry for dragging you into this

no matter how much sorry I say
it won't change anything
the only thing I can do now is to behave myself and promise never to do it every again
and to always remember that everything comes with a consequence

I'm feeling so hot and bothered now
I should stop communicating with anyone now - least I erupt on anyone
I should go and sleep now
or go reflect
or both

suddenly, I'm reminded of this saying, and it feels so impactful to me tonight

“I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.”

-[chi ling]-

Day 1

POSTED ON: Saturday, 12 April 2014 @ 08:43 | 0 comments

Day after day 
Time pass away 
And I just can't get you off my mind 
Nobody knows 
I hide it inside 
I keep on searching 
But I can't find 
The courage to show 
To letting you know 
I've never felt so much love before 

And once again 
I'm thinking about 
Taking the easy way out 

But if I let you go 
I will never know 
What my life would be 
Holding you close to me 
Will I ever see 
You smiling back at me 
How will I know 
If I let you go 

Night after night 
I hear myself say 
What can't this feeling just fade away 
There's no one like you 
You speak to my heart 
It's such a shame we're worlds apart 

I'm too shy to ask 
I'm too proud to lose 
But sooner or later 
I've got to choose 
And once again 
I'm thinking about 
taking the easy way out 


this song speaks to me in an emotional level
especially now
I'm at a junction where I am unsure and uncertain and definitely confused
I mean, I don't even have any sign or evidence that he might even have a little interest in me
and I can't be aggressive in showing my feelings
so how?
let go?
continue?
I don't know

can someone please teach me?
please?
I am in such a confused state
I am even more unstable than the group I metals
I need advice..

I don't know how much longer this can last..
but nonetheless I'll push myself to be happy everyday
for myself, I must not be sad anymore



already counting to the next time
-[chi ling]-

HOT meeting, and another reflective night

POSTED ON: Friday, 11 April 2014 @ 09:10 | 0 comments

today I had my virgin experience with eighteenchefs
it was really nice, I gotta give it this much
but because of my recent small appetite, I could only eat like a few mouthfuls?
dayum. can't wait to go back there next time to eat it again!

All the handsome guys and pretty girls yo

I've come to realise that friends aren't something that I can take for granted, furthermore good relationships in a team!
and honestly, I am really really glad to be able to have this wonderful opportunity to work with so many people of such amazing abilities and talents!
each of us are so different in our own ways, but when we work together, it's amazing how ideas just come out, and we use each of our strengths and weaknesses to help each other accomplish so much more!
there are the logical ones, the meticulous ones, the well-connected ones, the supportive ones, the creative ones
I really really wanna spend more time with these people, to know them better, and to have a great experience in working on events with them!

after the meeting, the juniors stayed in scape and played card games and truth-or-dare
it's so funny how card games can bring out the side of your competitiveness that you usually don't show out!
and when we played have you ever and truth-or-dare,
I felt so grateful to have this chance to know more about my excos
their past/ their thoughts/ their personality/ their ideal types //winks
and wow, luckily I did not receive any awkward questions that I couldn't answer! //phew

so after that, huiyan amanda and I went down to Kino to walk around
I finally got This Star Wont Go Out!
(I've been buying more books than I should.. opps)
I read like the introduction John Green wrote about Esther
and I was kinda-a-little sobbing in the bookstore //embarrassing
I'm sure this book will be a great read!

then, when we went home, huiyan and I had a long talk about like, a lot of things!
and I finally understand what she meant by her disapproval about something
and come to think of it
was I being silly previously?
I mean, I was damn stupid to make that rash and idiotic decision recently, but other than that, were the other instances silly?
I guess I'll have to think more about it
I have like, so much things to think about
//need more mental power yo


no doubt, I'll miss you a lot a lot
but I'll survive
I will be rational

-[chi ling]-

CSOP Pre-camp

POSTED ON: Thursday, 10 April 2014 @ 10:44 | 0 comments

I have still yet to recover from post-camp tiredness, so today will probably be a short post to sum up the camp
I rate this camp a 7 out of 10!
I've had such a fun time with my fellow X-Men tribemates, and I now have so many new friends who are honestly so nice and friendly and high and onzxc

XMEN PRIDE

my beloved HOTies in CSOP! (missing a few people though :( )

my selfie this afternoon. please don't judge me

so effing screwed up

POSTED ON: Tuesday, 8 April 2014 @ 16:10 | 0 comments

5/10 of my HOTties

POSTED ON: Sunday, 6 April 2014 @ 10:04 | 0 comments

nothing philosophical today
just a small post to remember what I did today

today 5/10 of my HOT Exco (including me) went out to vivo for an outing
we were supposed to go to sentosa, but because it might rain and because there might be other NP people there, we changed to vivo.
so the five of us met, and we ate lunch at The Soup Spoon
we talked over lunch, told some jokes, and teased each other haha

What I had for lunch. It was such a spread, pity I could only finish like less than 1/2 of the meal :( I should stop ordering big portions whenever i go out to eat, cause I can never finish my meal! #wastefood

 then we went to the deck to talk, camwhore, and play games!

always nice to take pictures! we're the picture-selfie-generation!

Next we went down to Macs to eat ice cream, and to play with our phones, apparently haha
cause we had the pictures, so we were instagraming/ playing phone games/ photoshopping etc.
(hint: my instagram is @sunshinechiling, go follow me! hahaha)
then we went up to the deck again to play cards :)
99 is an adrenaline-rush game oh gosh

it was fun going out with the four of them
I feel so much closer to them now that we have went out today! getting to know them better :)

next, we went back home.
cause we were at vivo, so obviously I was gonna take the purple line straight back to punggol
but the stupidest thing happened
THE TRAIN STOPPED WORKING
Shen Yun, Ben and I got stuck in the train for like, more than 30 minutes I believe
we stopped for a long time at Outram Park, Chinatown and Clark Quey EACH
then the train terminated at Dhoby Ghaut, and the entire NEL stopped functioning
so Ben and I had to get out and take the bus
was a little pissed by then, cause the SBS workers weren't very efficient and helpful

so then we went out to the bus stop, then seeing that there was a massive crowd in the bus stop, we decided to walk up to the previous bus stop to take 147
but alas, the bus stop we walked to didn't have 147
so in the end we waited for a looooooooooong time for 36
then we went all the way to parkway parade, to take 43
what was supposed to be a 40 minute travelling time back home became a 3 hour 30 minute travelling time back home
gosh
but at least I had Ben to accompany me, as we talked the entire way about so many stuff!
so yupp that was my day!

tmr is Day 1 of pre-camp for CSOP
thb I'm very excited, and yet very worried
cause Xmen is supposedly very enthu, which is very good!
but cause I didn't go for prelude, then plus I don't really know anybody there
luckily I have Yan, and JVJL, and my lovely HOT excos!
let's hope Xmen will bond together really well, and we'll be the best tribe! :)
Strawberry Shortcake, banana split!
We think your tribe is full of SHOT to the left and SHOT to the right
xmen xmen fight fight figgggggggggght!

side note:
yesterday I had a very very sweet and wonderful dream!
remember how I had two dreams about this guy who gave me the really really protected feeling (plus a really lovely feeling)? I think I posted about this dream-guy on my previous blog?

haha yes i posted on my previous blog

anyway..
this guy appeared in my dream again
this time, he protected me from everything
and he's not my brother, but my boyfriend
I dreamed that we had a hard time getting together, because of misunderstandings
but one day we suddenly realised that we loved each other,
so we got together (damn drama, I know)
the feeling I got was so surreal, I can still feel the residual feeling of being protected and truly loved
and wow
this time, there was a face, and a name to this mysterious guy
oh how I wish this was real
oh how I wish I would never wake up from that dream
but alas, reality fades in, and I'm left desperate for more
maybe tonight I'll have that dream again

funny thing is this: I have been dreaming about this guy for so many times in the past few months
but yesterday was (i think) the only time the dream felt so real, and so sweet
it got me thinking:
should I be more proactive in showing my feelings?
afterall, it has already been more than half a year and the feeling is growing stronger day by day
but what if it makes everything so much more awkward

ugh if only
that's always the problem though
the what-ifs and the if-onlys
(I thought I said nothing philosophical today.. haha!)
okay that's enough for now
it's already 1am, and I need to sleep for tmr's precamp!


I'm so excited to see you soon
cause who knows when i'll meet you again..
damn

-[chi ling]-

Pre-University Seminar Workshop

POSTED ON: Saturday, 5 April 2014 @ 09:31 | 0 comments

laying on the bed at 11pm
listening to the pouring rain
thinking of the possible reasons why social dynamics are so complicated

today was the pre-u seminar workshop at RI
and to sum the whole day up, it was so interesting and fun!
here's some photos to remember the day

here's a sculpture we made, with the idea of "what Singapore means to us" it's a little weird, but well, Singaporeans are generally weird

This is a poster we made regarding the sub-theme discussion that we had (see below) basically, it's about the inequality and what we can do more to be a inclusive society meaning of poster: the construction workers work so hard to help us plant the tree, but we (on the other side of the wall) only take the fruits of their labour for granted. the elderly and disabled are also marginalised because of their lack of abilities to get the fruit of labor.

This is my group! We're students from 4 different institutions: NP, NJ, AJ andYJ

Basically, the theme of this year's pre-u sem is "Our Singapore Conversation"
and this year we are supposed to share stories/ listen to stories from people from all walks of life in Singapore
My team's sub-theme under "Our Singapore Conversation" is Spirit
[refer to PM Lee's national day rally speech about Opportunities, Assurance, Trust, Purpose and Spirit]
and our question, aka our focus and our problem, is What more can Singapore do to foster a more inclusive society
It's a topic that I'm really interested in (luckily!), because I strongly believe in equality between all people. Due to the influences by tumblr, I've grown to be a more observant and sensitive person to my surroundings, and the people who are discriminated in societies
Elderly, disabled, foreigners, LGTBs, minority-races, feminist females, these are some examples of groups of people who are excluded in the ordinary society, just to name a few
of course, this is such a controversial topic to talk about, but indeed this is the reason why there's this seminar in the first place

my team, from the start when we were given our question, has been really participative and engaging
we kept throwing out ideas and stories and examples that we know of
we explained to each other the meanings of social exclusion, and how it might feel to be excluded from the society
we debated, and we gave suggestions on what more we can improve on
I've learnt a great deal from this bunch of people I've just met
so many Singapore policies that I've never heard before, the issues that Singapore still face
One example is this: even though Singapore has done a great deal to try and take care of the social isolated elderly, but the elderly are not mostly gaining any advantages. why is this so! why aren't we doing more to help these people, and what can we improve on these policies to make benefits and grants more applicable and convenient to the socially excluded groups of people in Singapore?

to be very honest, what I'm typing now might seem really boring to you
but to me, I really like to learn about all these
current affairs, policies etc.
It's so cool that so many people can come together to discuss and give ideas about our future Singapore
and i am damn honoured to be selected to be in this Pre-U Seminar, because I get to learn first-handedly about Singapore's current affairs, and i get the opportunity to interact with some of the great minds in Singapore
cause apparently, this pre-u seminar is a prestigious thing?
like for other schools, they have to get nominated for interviews, and go through trainings and interviews JUST to get selected to be in this seminar?
and apparently even from NP's BA, they had to be shortlisted to be chosen to get into this seminar?
but I totally don't get how I was chosen
I didn't get any calls, I didn't go for any interviews or anything. I just got selected and I only knew through the email!
call it fate or something, but I am so so so glad to be given this opportunity and chance to be part of Singapore's 45th Pre-University Seminar


On a side note: I am really glad to see 3 of my friends doing my Tag: I'm Worth It :)
I especially loved Yi Jia's post about Yin and Yang - how there's an equality to everything
and when there's a negative side, it follows with a positive side
if you haven't done the tag, go do it! (:
bring some positivity to your self-esteem, and influence your friends around you

be the change you want to see in this world



-[chi ling]-

TAG: I'm Worth It Because

POSTED ON: Wednesday, 2 April 2014 @ 09:09 | 0 comments

I'm not sure why, but somehow I'm feeling really positive today
it could be because Dip Plus (CIB) has ended for this semester
it could be because I watched On Call 36 Hours till 3am this morning, and I admire how Tze-Yu is so confident about herself, and how she can so confidently portray her strengths in front of the guy she likes
it could be because I've spent a lot of time with Yan these few days (and we talked so much about so many topics) and I've somehow became more logical [it's good that both of us hang around each other a lot haha cause she influences me with her logic, and I influence her with my emotions]

Today on the bus, Yan and I was talking about whether we're worth it/ on par with other people, and how worthy we actually are
a few days back we were talking about how people with crushes always seem to think their crushes are of more worth than them (even if the person who is having the crush is a good catch)
and I couldn't agree more: that's because people tend to only notice their bad points, and obviously since they have a crush on another person, they will only see the good points of that person!
and that got me thinking (using a rational and logical mind), am I worth it?
can a person be such a good catch, until the point where I will never be as good as him??

well, the answer is no.
after a long evening spent thinking of this, I've come to the conclusion:
(this is my opinion. of course, you may have your own opinion)
even though in my eyes, he is such a good guy
but if I really analyse my strengths, I am actually worth it too!
it's sad how (especially in countries who practice collective cultural)  people will always only think about their bad points
it's sad how it is actually 'embarrassing' to be proud of who you are and be sure of your good points (and to say it out is even a bigger nono)
I mean, if that's the culture we're raised in, it's no wonder we always feel bad about ourselves!

so to start a change, I've came up with this tag - TAG: I'm Worth It Because
basically, (since we are usually not allowed to praise ourselves) this is an opportunity for you to look into yourself and your mind, and think positively about yourself
rules:
1. come up with 5 facts about yourself, explaining why you are worth it
2. use positive words to describe the 5 facts
3. tag your friends, so that they can openly praise themselves too!
4. remember, everybody has their good points, and so do you!


so here's my 5 facts to show that I'm Worth It

1. I am a fast learner
People might be naturally smarter than me, but with adequate teaching and practice, I am a quick learner; this is especially so with things involving music/ dancing!

2. I am good in music, and in playing instruments
This is linked to the first fact. It's because I am a fast learner, that's why I am able to grasp hold of the techniques of playing the various instruments, and I am able to groove in to many rhythms and tempos. It could be because of training since I was little, but I have relatively good pitch too!

3. I am a determined person, and will persevere in things I do until I get to my goal
I believe in putting either all or nothing into my goals. Be it studies, non-academic activities or music.
A good example is this: during Chingay 2011, there was this awesome dancer who saw me practicing the dance moves. At that point of time, I thought I have mastered the set of dance moves; but the awesome dancer saw me practicing, came to me, and showed me the correct technique to master the set of moves. I was so determined to master the set of moves, I couldn't stop practicing the moves for the entire week! It was until the next practice, when the awesome dancer saw me practicing, then he came to me and told me how impressed he was by how much I've improved (:

4. I am good at using facts and logic to comfort people
I actually did not know I could do this (and am actually good at it) until Yan told me just now! Come to think of it, I am actually good at finding the silver lining for my friends and family around me. Here's a tip on how to find a silver lining: believe that everything happens for a reason. and even if the situation goes worst, you must remember this: once you've reached rock bottom, you'll have nowhere to go but to climb up

5. I am good in listening to people
like what The 7 Habits say - Seek first to understand, then to be understood
I used to be a speaker rather than a listener (and I still do sometimes, even though I try not to). But after I became more mature and start noticing people around me, I realised that there are too many speakers in this world, and there's not enough listeners! So I've made up my mind to be the one to listen to those who needs the listening ear. Although I may not always succeed in listening to everybody everytime, but I think I am at least good in lending a listening ear to those in need

based on these facts
I believe that I am not as bad as how I used to think of myself as
i may not have the looks
but I believe that I have relatively good EQ and IQ to replace my lack of aesthetic appeals
i am not a perfect person
but well, at least I am not an evil person

Now, I'm tagging my friends
especially Jia, Belo and Ting (and that two other close friends who I know read my blog! you know who you are!)
and most importantly, YOU
yes, YOU! You who've read this post till now
go to your blog and do this tag
and text/ PM me once you've done it!
(I'm honestly very interested in reading what you write! and get to know more about you! ^^ )
and even if you don't have a blog
no worries, you can post it on twitter/instagram/facebook/ even video it down and upload it into a youtube video!
the point of this tag is for YOU to properly write down 5 facts that you think make you a person that's worth it
[even if you want to just write it down on a piece of paper privately then tear the paper away, JUST DO IT! as long as you put in the effort to acknowledge at least 5 positive facts of yourself]
no matter who you are
you have qualities that make you a worthy person. that I can guarantee you.

and maybe once you've typed the facts, you'll know which area of strength you can sustain or improve on! (:
for me, I want to improve my instrument skills!




-[chi ling]-
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hey there you
I'm Chi Ling, and welcome to a glimpse of my life, where I jot bits of my life into this blog so that I can come back years later, and reminisce about my life

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