Reflection of 2013

POSTED ON: Tuesday, 31 December 2013 @ 10:44 | 0 comments

it's the last day of 2013! 
I saw this 25 questions a few months ago, and I saved it to answer today (:

25 Questions to Ask Yourself Before the End of 2013

1. What am I most proud of this year?
I'm proud of my people-skills improving
I'm proud of getting into HOT
I'm proud of my band plucking up our courage and passion to post videos, to practice, to stay with each other, to encourage each other and to strive hard for music

2. How can I become a better person?
I suppose for my situation now, the best way to become a better person is to not mind too much about what others think/say. This way, I'll be able to make judgement more objectively, instead of always going along with the flow blindly

3. Where am I feeling stuck?
I'm feeling really stuck at studies right now
I can't feel my motivation, and I'm more scared of the kids now than I am passionate about teaching them. Or maybe like what my mum always tell me now: I'm way too focused on my grades than actually enjoying school/the kids 
I'm also feeling really stuck about my physical appearance. I'm trying my best to minimise junk food + eating lesser + exercising more, but my weight seem to be stationery. 
I'm also stuck in relationship

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?
I feel like I should allow myself grace in my friendships with other people.
I mean, I should start accepting the fact that there's only so much I can do, and if people don't appreciate it, there's nothing I can do

5. Am I passionate about my career?
For now, not really anymore.

6. What lessons have I learned?
The biggest lesson I learnt is to listen instead of speak, to observe instead of acting rash, and to step out of my comfort zone. I've also leant to appreciate people around me, namely my family, and my best friends

7. What did I my finances look like?
For me, finances was good this past year. I've continually saved up more than $100 per month, which means more money to spend, and more band fund! 

8. How did I spend my free time?
I spent a lot of time surfing the internet to be honest. I've put in much time into music and art too!

9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?
2013 is probably the worst year in terms of how I treated my body, mind and soul. 

10. How have I been open-minded?
I've learnt to look at things in other people's perspective, instead of from my own bubble. 2013 has been a year of me learning to be open-minded, because poly has all sorts of people, and to survive I had to accept everybody. Through tumblr, I've also learnt a lot about LGBT and feminism.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?
I think I always feel most creatively inspired at 3am in the morning

12. What projects have I completed?
instead of completed, let's talk about projects I've started on
most prominent one: my band, Atlas & Atlantic
I've also started on project healthy-lifestyle, and on project love-your-friends-and-family-more

13. How have I procrastinated?
basically all my procrastinated time is on tetris (I am not proud to admit this), and on sleep (but hey, sleep is important! just that.. too much isn't.. haha)

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?
I can for one, follow the schedules and timetables I set for myself. I have the bad habit of changing my timetable "to make more time for sleep" but hahahahahahhaha I wanna change that habit!

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?
hmmm one example I can think of is how I let my fear of getting rejected and laughed at got the better of me, resulting in me becoming too shy to speak to the person I like
but mostly, I've followed my goal of saying yes to more stuff, which allowed me opportunities such as meeting new people, and performing 

16. Where has self-doubt taken over?
where? at home, in school, in anywhere actually. when? the whole year

17. When have I felt the most alive?
I felt most alive when I'm doing art at home, or when I'm with my best friends, or when I'm in cajon class!

18. How have I taught others to respect me?
basically I indirectly taught others to respect me by lessening my rubbish words. I talk lesser nonsense, which means things I say are more important, so whenever I speak people will respect me more now, since it's important. UGH I don't know how to explain this. either you get it or you don't

19. How can I improve my relationships?
I should open up more, and I should listen to others more

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?
I've tried not to me, but in truth it is hard to accept everyone I meet. So in short, yes, I've been unfair to some people by being a judgemental ass

21. Who do I need to forgive?
the one person I need to forgive is my dad. believe me, I'm trying

22. When is it time to let go?
when there is no room for improvements anymore, or when the whole thing is a waste of time

23. What old habits would I like to release?
The habit of smiling more, and being more positive, and being a more step-up leader

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?
Manage my time better, and accept people for who they are

25. How can I be kind to myself?
personally I feel that I'm being too kind to myself right now
In summary,
2013 has been a year full of ups and downs

I got back my O level results
I got into DPA NPP
I started my poly life officially
I lost some friends, but gained many more in return
I got into a band with my best friends
I meet him

now to think of it, 2013 hasn't been an exciting year
but it's alright, I am determined to make 2014 my year!
I'm finally gonna be 18!
good grades
good body
good friends
good boyfriend
good family relationship
good music and art
next year will be a good one!
I will work doubly hard to make sure

here's my biggest resolution: to smile more from the bottom of my heart
mummy asked me just now, "are you feeling really unhappy? why do you always need to write yourself notes to remind you to be happy?"
I don't know mum, I'm scared if I don't remind myself, I'll lose myself to the sadness raging inside me

here's a powerful song to end the year off
goodbye 2013
and hello 2014!


C H R I S T M A S

POSTED ON: Wednesday, 25 December 2013 @ 08:00 | 0 comments

IT'S CHRISTMAS
WOOOH
I woke up in the afternoon today,
went shopping
then went swimming with huiyan
:)
It's a short picture post today of the presents I got this year (:
Many many thanks to my best friends, Yi Jia Belicia and Yan Ting
and my family, specifically mummy and sister

We went to Paul's for dinner. The brown round thing is the macaroon that costs $6.90!

The body mists I got for christmas this year! The three on the left is from my mum, and the one on the right is from Yi Jia!
A rilakuma (is that how you spell?) pencil case from my mum  

A benefit makeup kit from Jade :) Thanks Jade!

A tin of Acrylic chalk board paint from Yan Ting! 

A box of Mango wafers from Phuket from Jia!

The body mist, and a beanie from Jia! 

Two bracelets from Bintan from sister!

A freaking real wall poster of Iron Man from belo! It must've costed a bomb omg I love this so much! IRON MAN!

This is the christmas tree my house displayed this year. There wasn't any baubles because we misplaced every christmas decoration we have eeek! So instead of a star, i drew a sunshine card for the tree haha



This christmas was lonely, but not lonely
(if you get what I mean. you prolly dont. ohwell)
Merry christmas!


All I want for christmas is you

-[chi ling]-

my happening holidays the past week!

POSTED ON: @ 07:43 | 0 comments

as you can probably tell from my title
I've had a really happening week! :) 
This will be a picture blog, cause a picture speaks a thousand words!
(mainly because I might be really tired right now)

Monday
It was my father's birthday 
I spent a whole day doing work and stuff,
and went for a family dinner at the airport :)

here's a photo of me and my mum taking a selfie! 











Tuesday
I spent the morning reading
then went to school for some meeting with a bunch of efficient people 
(very lucky to be able to work with them effyeah)
then I came back home to do some work
then went to the airport to send off my grandma to taiwan! 
lucky grandma get to go taiwan whilst I stay in Singapore //sigh

here's me pretending to leave Singapore 











Wednesday
it was ADVENTURE COVE day!
I went with huiyan, valarie, jie qi and jing xuan (:
the scenery from vivo to sentosa was very nice, and it doesn't look anything like the usual Singapore!
[side note: I really wanna learn photography now omg 
how nice must it be to be able to take nice nice photos]













the collage of pictures we took there!










adventure cove day started out awesome, but ended terribly because 
it started raining
I had cramps
I got lost in vivo for 30 minutes
it was raining when I got home and I didnt have an umbrella = wait for a bus for 45 minutes in the wet and cold weather

Thursday
I think I stayed at home and did some work?
I dont remember..

Friday
I did some work and went to school for strings
there's the family concert coming up 
4th Jan
do come and support us! (:

Over here I think I look skinny? a little skinner than usual? no? okay











Saturday
I spent my morning reading
then the late afternoon to evening hanging out, baking and celebrating christmas with my best friends

The cake we baked!
We used the microwave oven, and it only took 7 minutes? :)









Then I went to plaza sing with my mum and sis

Sunday
I did more work
and met up with my girls to do group work

Monday
I went for my migraines checkup in SGH
and I'm finally discharged! boooyeah

No more spending money on the brain woooh










then I went to huiyan's house for bbq
 




Today
I spent the whole day watching the very old taiwanese drama The Magicians Of Love
omg so much memories
I miss the days when I was young and was listening to 7 Flowers, 183 Club and 5566!
Then I went to the airport to fetch grandma


The very extravagant christmas tree in T2!
















wow this holiday has been so packed!
and I'm fully packed with work/ going out till the end of holidays!
I'm glad to at least be working on stuff (:

This is a Chinese song, Love her Miss him, one of my favourite from the past
and I shipped the two mandopop group together even before I knew what shipping was
ahhh those were the days



-[chi ling]-

i miss you. a lot. more than you can imagine.

POSTED ON: Sunday, 22 December 2013 @ 11:29 | 0 comments


how long has it been since we've last met?
it's 3:30 am, and I'm feeling really empty
I've never felt this way before?
and it's weird?
and tbh it's scary???
???????


I'm so dumb
I'm not even your friend..
-[chi ling]-


I'm losing you, and it sucks

POSTED ON: Friday, 20 December 2013 @ 06:24 | 0 comments

I'm done trying my best to be good
I'm done doing everything I can to save everything
I don't wanna care anymore
screw this
nobody cares
will anybody even care if I disappear?
they'll just be like "oh wait what's missing?"
"hmmm oh it's nothing let's continue with our lives"

I am so done

i've been trying so hard to feel better
to feel happier
but it's so hard
it takes so much energy it's tiring
and nobody knows how hard I'm trying
and everybody takes everything for granted

today had another breakdown
it's a little melodramatic, but it is (i guess) something that is accumulated
it's just that it's near christmas
and i've been trying so much to bring up the mood of the family
by buying everybody presents
but what did my father do?
he kicked the presents I've carefully picked out, bought, and wrapped
he KICKED the presents
I saw it
screamed
cried
and screamed again
today just isn't a good day
this year probably isn't a good year

just save rock and roll
cause by that you'll save my soul


you are what you love
not who loves you
-[chi ling]-

My introversion and maybe a little social anxiety

POSTED ON: Tuesday, 17 December 2013 @ 09:32 | 0 comments

if you ask me a year ago whether I am an introvert or an extrovert
I would laugh at you and say, "look at me! how can I ever be an introvert!"
a year later, and everything is different
maybe it's because of my drastic change of surroundings
(poly is so much different than secondary school)
And to be honest, I like this chiling better than the chiling a year ago
cause now, I've learnt to listen before I speak
think through what I wanna say
internalise my thoughts

however, I'm starting to wonder if I'm getting a little too anxious and worrisome lately
recently, I came to a realisation that I've been acting more and more strangely
I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have social anxiety
but I can name quite a few examples of my behaviour that hints my social awkwardness
here's some example


I tend to find a corner to hide when I'm alone in a room full of strangers

 When I'm alone, I will always choose to walk the long way route if I know the shorter route is filled with people/ is crowded 
(this is very inconvenient during school cause I can choose to walk the 5min route, but because I know that short route is crowded, I'd choose the 15min route, causing me to walk one round around the school)

 (my mother said this is abnormal) whenever I need to wait for my friend, 
and I am waiting alone, I'll get so anxious if I sit alone in public. 
So what do I do? I hide inside the toilet cubicle. 
My record is waiting for 30 minutes inside the cubicle 
(luckily the toilets are usually aways empty)

 When alone, I will immediately walk out of a food place if I see someone looking at me when I walk inside the food place.

 I get abnormally uncomfortable when I need to queue up for food

 I usually look down on the floor when I'm walking cause I have this fear of looking at strangers' faces 
(this makes finding seats on a crowded bus difficult cause I'll have to look up to find seats, 
but because I am uncomfortable looking at people's faces, 
it means that I usually stand up for the bus journey)

 I really don't like crowded transport systems too. 
If I'm not in a hurry (usually when I'm going home) 
and if the public transport is too crowded, I'll choose to wait for the next bus
(in hope that the next one will be less crowded)

When walking alone, I get really fidgety and shaky cause I'll feel that everybody I walk past is judging me
(which means I always walk fast when I'm alone to escape from people's sight)

I also tend to skip meals if I am to eat alone (and of course subsequently hide in the toilet till my friend comes/ I need to go for lessons)
hungry > eating alone in a place where there are people around

I get really upset and uncomfortable if strangers choose to sit beside me in a public transport when there are other empty seats around
and being awkward, I won't even dare to move to another seat 
if I'm not in a hurry or if I'm feeling too uncomfortable sitting with a stranger beside me,
I'll find a chance to get off the public transport and wait for the next one to come

okay I should stop listing examples 
those are just a few examples of how I lead my socially awks life now 
it's no fun escaping from people
and I find it intimidating whenever I'm in a crowd
ugh
the problem with this is I can't stop this even if I want to
I can't just go "stop it. you're being paranoid and silly" to make myself less uncomfortable and anxious
:( 
one lesson you can take away from this is probably this:
if you have a shy friend who don't like to be with crowds,
don't ever tease or make fun of s/he 
cause if they have a choice, they wouldn't want to be like that

I've been listening to a lot of P!ATD recently
if you aren't listening to them, and you like pop punk, you should check them out :)

-[chi ling]-

It's the first day of holiday!

POSTED ON: Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 07:03 | 0 comments

so this is the first day of the holidays
and you can finally feel the festive holiday season
it's the C H R I S T M A S   S E A S O N
today is also my father's birthday wheee
happy birthday father!

for this holiday i've decided to set goals to complete
within this 3 weeks
I'll have to make notes for the 3 examinable modules,
complete at least 4 out of the 6 assignments that I can start now,
run at least 10 hours,
swim at least 5 hours,
make one wall art,
and read 3 books (one book a week)
These are the 3 books for the holidays

 

I've just bought Divergent omg
I've been waiting to read this since like, march!
John Green recommended this book, so read it I must!

John also recommended The Book Thief,
along side with Belo
so Belo lent me her book so that I can (and I quote) "suffer in heartbreak and tears"
HAHA we'll see how it goes

the last book is The Time Traveler's Wife
I've actually read this book before but somehow I really wanna read it again
and if you haven't seen the movie, you totally should omg
it's one of the better movies I've ever seen!
so yupps I have a lot of things to do this holiday! :)



Julia sheer is so cool omg her voice //swoons
this song has been stuck in my head for the entire last week
and this version is probably the best version i've heard!
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let him go

-[chi ling]-

let it go

POSTED ON: Friday, 13 December 2013 @ 07:31 | 0 comments

It's finally the term break!
I'm determined to work hard this holidays
//puts on headband

too much has happened recently
and somehow I feel more lonely than ever before
I tell myself this every day:
You need to stay strong, because you'll need to be strong to support others
all my friends are suffering, in one way or another
and like what I've said, I don't have the courage to give them any advice
and what does one do? just sit at the side, listen to others, and say nothing?
god how does one comfort others?!
the more I see my friends falling
the more I look at myself and go 
"you useless piece of being can't you do anything right?"
"can you do anything at all?"

many sighs later
nothing's going well
that's why i must try my hardest to overcome to this 
comeon chiling you can do this


this song speaks to me on an emotional level
tbh i've still been crying every night
and once I've start, I cant stop
luckily it's the term break now
I'll have more time to do music and art
and then probably I'll feel better
although term break means I don't get to meet you at all for 3 whole weeks..
it's alright chiling
it's gonna be alright
-[chi ling]-

Appreciate what you have

POSTED ON: Saturday, 7 December 2013 @ 07:14 | 0 comments

I am thankful for my schools 
(Edgefield, Nan Chiau, Ngee Ann Poly, and 耕心园)
for nurturing me into who I am
for providing the environment to shape me into who I have become
for accepting a student like me, and let me have a chance to give back to the school

I am thankful for my relatives
for being so extremely polite to me whenever I meet them
those "wow! you've become prettier!" even when it is not true //laughs
for taking care of my sister and I
and for treating us so well
(very special thanks to my paternal aunts and uncle, and my maternal uncles and aunts)

I am thankful for my teachers
for teaching me whatever I know now
for those random life lessons whenever the whole class start going "teacher! we're very tired! please don't teach today!"
very special thanks those teachers who always go an extra mile to care for us students
to make us feel included, even in school
and for showing us the way to living a meaningful life

I am thankful for my family
for accepting who I am
even when I'm always very unglam 70% of the time
for teaching me that it is okay to be not normal
cause this family isn't normal to say the least
for being there for me whenever I need a home to hide in
whenever I need someone to crack punny jokes with me
whenever I need a reminder that I am actually a living person who can impact others' lives

I am thankful for my friends
for being friends with this weirdo
I still don't get how anyone will be able to see me and go like, "hey maybe I want to spend time to know this girl and be her friend!"
special thanks to my best friends
for being such an important part of my life
that a day without talking to them is a sad day for me
for being so accepting of my emotional roller-coasters
for being embarrassed by me everytime I hang out with you girls
and of course for being there to pass me tissues whenever I cry for no apparent reason

I am thankful for people who are there for my friends
cause without those people, my friends wouldn't be who they are today
my friends wouldn't be alive today
and my friends wouldn't be as strong as they are now
I am grateful for all my friends' parents for giving birth to them
for when they have their child, I have my friends
[this may be really confusing but I don't know how to phrase it sorry]

and last of all
I am especially very thankful for my mother
for she is the tree to this caterpillar
for she is the anchor to this ship
for she is the needle and thread to mend all my chipped off pieces
for she is my mother <3

I'm always really grateful for having her around
and with every birthday,
I'll always be reminded that this strong woman persevered for 8 months
and persevered through those painful hours
just to give me a chance to be alive

So whenever it's your birthday
it's not only a day to celebrate another year of you being alive
but it is also a day to be grateful to everyone around you
be it to your parents who gave you this life
be it to your friends
be it to your relatives
cause what is a life without them?

I've started this post just to type my appreciations
how did it become a post about birthdays?
//laughs
ohwell this post is always relevant
cause it's always someone's birthday every day


"I just wanna know you better know you better know you better now
I just wanna know you
know you
know you"
-[chi ling]-

existential crisis, identity crisis, emotional crisis, c r i s i s

POSTED ON: Wednesday, 4 December 2013 @ 08:09 | 0 comments

happy forth of christmas
see what I did there
cause 25 days of christmas
no?
okay

today hasn't been a good day
almost had another panic attack at the mrt station
and almost broke down in school
what a day

it's amazing how other people can affect me so easily
spent the whole evening and night thinking of my actions from yesterday
and I'm deeply troubled by others' view of me right now
this is not fun at all
it's scary
how people can so easily misunderstand your intentions
but to explain myself: I'm the type that will step out when nobody does, and step back when someone else is willing to take the lead. I'm the type that can be really really loud or really really soft, depending on what situation I'm in.
but I'm also the type that don't think much before I do (aka no brain filter)
so..
i have so much to learn, firstly to learn when to talk and when not to talk
and to stop trying to take the stage every time I feel that I should
gdi chiling can't you just look at the situation?
tbh I am not good at looking at situations to judge if someone is taking a lead or not
okay I don't make sense anymore
gdi why can't I phrase my thoughts into words
moving on

I got back from school
and learnt the news that Connie Kins has passed away
and I felt so sad
existential crisis + own identity crisis + idk what = really sad chiling
RIP Connie, you will be missed dearly

in overall today isn't a good day at all
I miss my assbutts
I'm overthinking
I'm sick
and it sucks to feel that everybody hates me
what's new?

Side note: I really love my sister a lot omg she's like a wise old man inside a young girl's body. She is so mature and wise (most of the time) and I look up to her
Love you sis <3


-[chi ling]-
please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you


December please be nice to me

POSTED ON: Tuesday, 3 December 2013 @ 06:59 | 0 comments

It's december!
oh my where did november go??
it has been almost a week since i've last blogged
and I have a good news to share! (finally)

I got into second interview of HOT exco!
-fanfare-
//major sobs
:')
I got the notice last friday
and today the 14 of us had our first meeting with the seniors
and I gotta say
I'm really really excited about this
have I mentioned that I like planning stuff!
I am really looking forward to working with the 13 others

tbh, when I'm looking at them
I'll keep asking myself: am I that capable to be able to work with such a group of capable leaders?
really, it'll be my greatest pleasure to do my best for this 'interview'
(I hardly think this is an interview but still, it's a selection nonetheless)
the seniors have given me this opportunity
and I will definitely grab hold of this chance and do my very best!

Holidays are coming!
today I've completed 2 assignments,
and by next wed, all assignments for this term will be done and submitted!
yay!

I still don't feel well
but things are getting better
and I hope I get better..
I'm running a fever now though ugh
felt really giddy and nauseous since afternoon
and when I got home
UHOH fever alert fever alert
I gotta rest soon~

this song is really really nice
even if the lyrics does not really fit my current situation now

-[chi ling]-

♥ Older || Newer ♥
you're my sunshine